As a child, McAuliffe grew up in a small fishtank just off the coast of Liverpool. His parents, Sassy and Dave were hobbits of a high standing amongst their community of three. Although he did go to school at Harvard school of medicine, McAuliffe decided to become  a worshipper of the Greek god Priapus and spent the rest of his days nursing a raging boner while indiscriminately raping criminals all over the land. Also, McAuliffe enjoys being super cool.

Simon McAuliffe, in his brief employment as a pimp, met Ben Evangelou lying  on the side of the road, covered in a sticky, viscious substance, and discussed the possibility of raiding Fort Knox bank in America.

However, eventually they decided to perform a raid on the UK Church of Scientology, near Blackfriars Station, in Central London.

Evangelou, armed with an Iguana, his favourite of the 'Lizard Hordes', and McAuliffe, who had picked up a toothpick from the floor, succeeded in killing 4 people, including scientologist Tom Cruise, and stealing over £4.6m in war bonds from the vaults of the Church.

The Sun labelled this event the 'Heist of the Century', and offered extensive interviews with both Evangelou and McAuliffe, who both accepted full responsibility for the 'massacre', but bizzarely no solid evidence ever linked them to the events. The two were even seen later that month having dinner with police chiefs in Metropolitan Police Headquaters in 4 Whitehall Place and were seen leaving with several thousand pounds in several black plastic bans.

McAuliffe was once incarcerated in the infamous Krakow concentration camp possibly for being too black, although souces do agree, his crime spree and subsequent and frequent confessions of murder nd burglery may have had something to do with the lagal case brought and quickly resolved against McAuliffe. As a member of the infmous QE2, McAuliffe, along with his accomplice B.J. Evangelou, were both incarcerated in the G block of the camp, which may or may not have something to do with their status in the gangster underworld . There he shared a cell with now world famous country and western singer Billy Bob Junior. Billy Bob has, on a number of occassions, cited McAuliffe as the biggest influence in his blues-twinged country and western balladry. McAuliffe denies this vehemently.