Born October 14, 1974, Datch Kyndal Haven is arguably* the coolest motherfucker going.

Datch was born on a misty eastern island.  Web forum speculation about the actual island is often narrowed down to A) Galápagos Islands, B) Montreal, C) a giant mythical floating turtle.

Rational scientists often point out that this is silly, the Galápagos Islands are actually classified as an archipelago - to which people often point out that they're harshing the buzz, and ask that they go speculate on another forum.

Datch once took his mother out to a nice dinner where she chucklingly told him that she had thought him retarded for the first three years of his life, and had told this to friends and family. Datch chewed his salmon stoically, deciding their next venue he treated her to would be Taco Bell.

Datch thwarted several attempts by his parents looking to lighten the familial load. One shining example was the time at the cottage where they yelled at the adorable five year old to stop playing with his damnable Lego® and get outside into the fresh air. Too wily, he made a show of going outside only to sneak back in and return to building his space station. Minutes later, screams were heard as the bear that had been waiting outside got grizzly on the garbage instead of scrumptious Datch.

Legend has it that this was not pretty. Datch had yet to show signs of his future awesomeness, and many girls forfeited their chance to devirginize him. Those girls are now all fat and ugly.

A girl-barren period much like puberty. And a lot of pot was smoked.

By most accounts Datch seems to enjoy the age of adulthood, and makes the most of it by swearing often, eating cookies for dinner whenever he pleases, and staying up real late.

Datch is far too cool to stoop to wanton self-praise, which is just another great thing about him. To learn more be sure to get his autobiography 'Awesomosity', due out this Christmas.

Datch is short for datchymine havenol, the compound that makes Gummi Bears gummi. It's also ancient Inuit for 'guy who dances poorly in snowshoes.'

Datch admits three faults. The first, he says, is he gets distracted easily.

Datch is currently trying out being a vegetarian, doing yoga, and scowling less at babies.

* Argued by d-bags of no particular import.